Comments on: So I’m writting a story and I have the rough draft to the first chapter… do you guys mind being my critics?

By: cathrl69

cathrl69 — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 16:59:59 +0000

That first long paragraph in your post, where you explain all the bits which would otherwise have people going "huh?" about what on earth is going on?

That needs to be IN your story. You don’t get to write an out-of-story explanation.

And I’m afraid I took an instant dislike to Little Miss Perfect And So Misunderstood.
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By: BEN BLUNT

BEN BLUNT — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 16:53:59 +0000

It’s a good start. A better way to get feedback would be to join a writer’s group at the local college/university. And some cities even have writers groups for the general public. Google might help you find one, or the person(s) teaching creative writing at the local high schools or colleges may be able to put you in touch with such a group.

People in such groups exchange and critique each others work, often face to face in regular meetings.

Good luck and thanks for letting us see your draft.
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By: KK [is a woman, not a man]

KK [is a woman, not a man] — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 16:13:59 +0000

So, you failed to edit anything and then had the audacity to RUDELY post crap work to the public. And then you have the nerve to ask for reviews?

Give me a freaking break. I love how the kiss ups tell you how great this is without realizing what kind of crap you pulled.

EDIT:

Sweetie, that IS an honest review. You do NOT post unedited work to the public and expect people to fall over you and kiss your butt.
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By: ZeloDude96

ZeloDude96 — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 15:43:59 +0000

Great beginning! Very engaging. Your synopsis seems awfully intriguing, as well. I might suggest developing your main character a bit more thoroughly, as well as the release of her name. I understand this is merely a rough draft, and I know it will be great when completed. This is going to be a great piece, don’t give up!
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Skilled reader and writer.

By: Lia♥

Lia♥ — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 15:28:59 +0000

Okay, first, starting sentence: change it. The description of her bed is choppy and not going to catch reader’s attention. Try changing it to:
I rolled over in my queen sized bed, not being able to fall asleep.
Your sentences are short and choppy. Try to combine your sentences to make them longer and more detailed. Like this part:
The room was dark and I watched the shadows that the moon had cast on my wall change but they disappeared instantly. I looked over at my alarm clock which read 11:54 p.m–six minutes until my eighteenth birthday. I would be an adult in just six minutes.

Hope this helped
-Lia
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By: kris

kris — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:50:59 +0000

first thing i have to say, congrats for starting to write. i wish i could, but hey, cant all be authors…..
okay, in the beginning of your chapter you’re senteces are too short and stop abruptly, try forming them together into compound sentences, not only will it be easier to read but you’ll sound farther wawy from you years, as if you’ve been doing it for a long time. and i’m not sure if this program lets you or not, but you really need to indent your next paragraphs, it looks like one big heap of words. when you’re describing the "event" you’re repeating the word too much, try to change it.
other than that, i really like it. its a great start. just remember to combine the sentences because it just sounds like your putting words together, not making them flow into a story. kepp it up and im looking forward to Chapter Two.
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By: LionLambWolf

LionLambWolf — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:34:59 +0000

Wow. I think you have A LOT of potential to be a great author!! Keep up the good work!!! Really on a scale of 1 to 10 i’d give you an 11!!
Great Job!!
Good Luck and God Bless!!!
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By: Hayley

Hayley — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:07:59 +0000

its really good if it was a book reading that i would carry on ... good plot really original
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