Please remember that this is the very rough draft of the first chapter and I just wrote it today. There are many punctuation mistakes along with wrong spellings and misuse of the words. So bare with me lol. Please let me know what you think but this is a rough draft so many changes will probably be made.. thanks guys!!!
oh my story is about a girl that became really famous at a really young age. She’s a singer and an actress (very talented singer and a very sought out for actress) and she used her fame for good like starting chairites, helping people and the enviorment, and standing up for people who were getting lied about and judged. (doing so she got herself known in other countries) Then something really terrible happens (a maniac fan kills her family and hospitliazes her after he thinks she’s rejecting his love) and the media attacks the situation. Asking how the man got around securty and the alarm system and how he knew where she lived. And they cook up this story about how she knew the killer and may have even had involvment in the murder. She begs people to listen but no one will until she writes a beautfiul song and then everyone feels bad for believing the lies.. (those who decided to believe them anyways)
Basically the story is about how lies and judgment can ruin someone who only wants to do good and didn’t do any harm.. It’s kind of a message I want to get out to people about how wrong it is… anyways.. thanks again lol
Ebony
By: Katelyn Edens
Chapter One
I rolled over in my big bed. I couldn’t fall asleep. My thoughts were preventing any chance of that. After a few minutes, I sat up and pushed my light brown hair out of my face. The room was dark and the moon was shining in the window casting shadows on my walls. I watched them change shapes. I turned on the light on my end table. The shadows disappeared instantly. The alarm clock read 11: 54 p.m. Six minutes until my eighteenth birthday. I would be considered an adult.
I had been an adult for about a year and a half already. Life had thrown the challenges at me that required me to grow up quickly. My age said seventeen, but my mind spoke differently. Sighing, I pushed the covers off of me. It was obvious it was going to be awhile before I was going to get any sleep. So it would be useless to continue lying in bed. I stood up and stretched, yawning.
My body was exhausted and needed sleep, but I had difficultly falling asleep for about two weeks now. I figured it had something to do with past events. Friends kept asking me if I was alright and even suggested a couple shrinks. Yeah right, like I was going to pay a man to tell me my problems. Not that I had a grudge against that kind of job or anything. I already knew what my problems were and I was dealing with them in my own way.
I walked to my large dresser to look at three small white pieces of paper that lay on it. They were checks. I stared at them for a minute before picking them up, my monthly donation to three different charities and each written for ten thousand dollars. I placed them back on my dresser.
Some of my other charities had stopped my support after the event last year. But these three and five others still accepted my money and help. I had my own charities of course. Though one had been shut down shortly after the event… Tears welled up in my eyes and I walked away from the dresser, hoping to walk away from the memory. Of course it wasn’t that easy. The memory followed me wherever I went.
A brown desk sat at the front of my room next to my walk in closet. Since I wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon, I figured I could write in my manuscript for awhile. Maybe that would lure me to bed. After using the hair tie from my wrist, I pulled up my hair up to cool my warm neck.
I sat down and the chair creaked. The manuscript was thick and heavy. I flipped it from the page I was currently on to the front. If memories were creeping up on me tonight, I might as well read about them. Possibly even re-live them if my imagination was acting up as much as everything else seemed to be tonight.
ugh my sentences are a lil choppy.. sorry guys.. and the indentation got messed up when i posted it on here so sorry for that too… the girl’s name is Ebony and more description will come when she reads her manuscript of her life so far which will be in chapter two which hasn’t been wrote yet
i honestly have absolutly no idea wat KK is tlking about…. but watever im looking for honest reviews so ignore that plz
It’s a good start. A better way to get feedback would be to join a writer’s group at the local college/university. And some cities even have writers groups for the general public. Google might help you find one, or the person(s) teaching creative writing at the local high schools or colleges may be able to put you in touch with such a group.
People in such groups exchange and critique each others work, often face to face in regular meetings.
Good luck and thanks for letting us see your draft.
March 5th, 2010 at 9:07 am
its really good if it was a book reading that i would carry on … good plot really original
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March 5th, 2010 at 9:34 am
Wow. I think you have A LOT of potential to be a great author!! Keep up the good work!!! Really on a scale of 1 to 10 i’d give you an 11!!
Great Job!!
Good Luck and God Bless!!!
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March 5th, 2010 at 9:50 am
first thing i have to say, congrats for starting to write. i wish i could, but hey, cant all be authors…..
okay, in the beginning of your chapter you’re senteces are too short and stop abruptly, try forming them together into compound sentences, not only will it be easier to read but you’ll sound farther wawy from you years, as if you’ve been doing it for a long time. and i’m not sure if this program lets you or not, but you really need to indent your next paragraphs, it looks like one big heap of words. when you’re describing the "event" you’re repeating the word too much, try to change it.
other than that, i really like it. its a great start. just remember to combine the sentences because it just sounds like your putting words together, not making them flow into a story. kepp it up and im looking forward to Chapter Two.
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March 5th, 2010 at 10:28 am
Okay, first, starting sentence: change it. The description of her bed is choppy and not going to catch reader’s attention. Try changing it to:
I rolled over in my queen sized bed, not being able to fall asleep.
Your sentences are short and choppy. Try to combine your sentences to make them longer and more detailed. Like this part:
The room was dark and I watched the shadows that the moon had cast on my wall change but they disappeared instantly. I looked over at my alarm clock which read 11:54 p.m–six minutes until my eighteenth birthday. I would be an adult in just six minutes.
Hope this helped
-Lia
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March 5th, 2010 at 10:43 am
Great beginning! Very engaging. Your synopsis seems awfully intriguing, as well. I might suggest developing your main character a bit more thoroughly, as well as the release of her name. I understand this is merely a rough draft, and I know it will be great when completed. This is going to be a great piece, don’t give up!
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Skilled reader and writer.
March 5th, 2010 at 11:13 am
So, you failed to edit anything and then had the audacity to RUDELY post crap work to the public. And then you have the nerve to ask for reviews?
Give me a freaking break. I love how the kiss ups tell you how great this is without realizing what kind of crap you pulled.
EDIT:
Sweetie, that IS an honest review. You do NOT post unedited work to the public and expect people to fall over you and kiss your butt.
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March 5th, 2010 at 11:53 am
It’s a good start. A better way to get feedback would be to join a writer’s group at the local college/university. And some cities even have writers groups for the general public. Google might help you find one, or the person(s) teaching creative writing at the local high schools or colleges may be able to put you in touch with such a group.
People in such groups exchange and critique each others work, often face to face in regular meetings.
Good luck and thanks for letting us see your draft.
References :
March 5th, 2010 at 11:59 am
That first long paragraph in your post, where you explain all the bits which would otherwise have people going "huh?" about what on earth is going on?
That needs to be IN your story. You don’t get to write an out-of-story explanation.
And I’m afraid I took an instant dislike to Little Miss Perfect And So Misunderstood.
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