I wrote this for fun and im not sure what it would be a poem or a short story. any criticism is welcome… 
I stared at the black box.
I seemed empty, but the obvious spilled out of the square window that is specifically crafted to make your gut wrench and churn with your pain rising through your pores into the atmosphere.
All my memories, all my good times, all my special moments, trapped away forever. Fading away with every step, every breath I take.
The silence in the room disgusted me, the pain flowing through my veins kept building up with every second of wasted life. I replayed my entire life in that single glance, the time she and I sat in the park feeding the pigeons, when she and I walked along the bridge past her curfew coming up with excuses for our tardiness.
In that single glance, that single second, I saw all my mistakes, and I decided I didn’t have to make anymore. I forced my hand to sneak into my pocket. A shiver went down my spine. The hairs in the badk of my neck stood up as if to show respect. My eyes whispered for mercy, they were puffy and swollen from crying. Crying to make her come back.
My mind forced me to sneak another glance at the big, black coffin, at her beautiful face, one last time. I took the gun out of my pocket. Everyone stared in shock, some ran out, some begged me not to do anything stupid. The question forced itself throug my head as a banner with bold flashing letters; ‘Why would this be stupid?’. But I didn’t want this to be the last time I saw her face, and I knew we would meet again.
My eyes now yelled for mercy and my hands shook, terrified. My mind was working full time to make all my body parts do what it wanted. And it wanted my finger to pull the trigger.
It was working so hard, I forgot to breathe. I began to gasp for air as my brain decided it was time for departure.
My finger snapped, the trigger was pulled, and the bullet came flying through the air in slow motion. But it didn’t matter, because I knew I would soon see her smiling face. The bullet broke through my skin, ripped through my ribcage, ruptured my arteries and punctured my heart.
My tired puffy eyes were no longer whispering, or yelling for that matter, my mind no longer functioned, my life was gone. I drifted upward as my corpse toppled down, like a tower of blocks being knocked over.
I watched gracefully toward the sky as I flew through the evening air. The clouds smiled at me and the sun winked. I glanced down and the great blue ocean waved. I saw golden gates above me. She was right there, wings sprouted through her back, she wore a beautiful golden skirt and top. Her golden hair was brushed back into a ponytail. And her eyes whispered as mine once did. But her’s didn’t beg for mercy, her’s said
I LOVE YOU.
Any criticism welcome
the way in which it is written is a story style but with many poetic techniques, for example;
there’s a repetitiveness about it, "…with every step, every breath I take." and "…that single glance, that single second…"
you also use similes, "…like a tower of blocks being knocked over."
it’s such an emotion filled piece,and i really like it the imagery is great as the reader is able to live what this character is doing every step of the way. the image of "watching gracefully toward the sky" is nice.
great job!
February 1st, 2010 at 8:27 am
the way in which it is written is a story style but with many poetic techniques, for example;
there’s a repetitiveness about it, "…with every step, every breath I take." and "…that single glance, that single second…"
you also use similes, "…like a tower of blocks being knocked over."
it’s such an emotion filled piece,and i really like it
the imagery is great as the reader is able to live what this character is doing every step of the way. the image of "watching gracefully toward the sky" is nice.
great job!
References :
opinion…
February 1st, 2010 at 8:54 am
Like ya’ said..you wrote it for fun..
===
Often I keep a journal..or lately I use my camera and my photographic memory–to BUILD–something..
===
I assemble PARTS..and that’s what I have found..
..to create interesting.."parallel" compositions..
===
Your composition is a string..of actions..
LIGHTS-CAMERA’S–and–"action"..//only..its very in-complete–
Your NOT stupid..that shows in the work..
===
I guess you need–more–pallette/[end]
References :
February 1st, 2010 at 9:36 am
Wow!! I love it.
It’s a story with a strongly poetic turn of phrase. I wasn’t keen on the ending though (the golden gates, wings, golden skirt, golden hair), it’s a bit too cliche. In the rest of the story you’re describing your powerful, turbulent emotions & thoughts moment by moment and it is excellent and is compelling reading. I’d like to read more of your writing.
References :